Today Marco is sharing with us another installment from his series “Wrestling With My Mind”
“WORTH THE WEIGHT: MY JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY”
Many of us have struggled to come to terms with what we see when we look at ourselves in the mirror at one point or another. It certainly doesn’t help that our society drills it into so many of us at an early age that being fat is inherently “bad” or “wrong.” Our eyes and our minds like to play tricks on us sometimes in that regard on top of that. I understand, I’ve been there. I’m not a small man. It should be readily apparent to anyone with eyes that I haven’t exactly missed very many meals.
I’ll admit, becoming happy and confident in a fat body did not come easy for me in the beginning. I was a bit self-conscious about my size growing up. People always seemed to have something nasty to say about my weight back then. Then I went through a bit of a growth spurt in my teens, and I ended up gaining over 100 pounds in a three year period. During that time, I began coming to terms with how I felt about being fat. And along the way, I realized that being fat wasn’t nearly as inherently “bad” or “wrong” as our society has made it out to be. I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, I was happy with what I saw. I admired the fat body that stood before me. I fell in love with every pound and inch of me, especially my big round belly. My belly quickly became my favorite part of me. It was easily the biggest part of me, too big to be ignored. I loved how prominent my belly had become, how it gave me this perpetual “forever pregnant” look. And that’s when it hit me: I liked being fat. I liked how being fat looked and felt on me. Being fat made me happy.
Since then, I learned a few other things about myself. I realized that as a larger man, it made perfect sense for me to be physically attracted to larger women. In all honesty, there was always a part of me that was enamored with people who attained certain larger sizes, even downright infatuated with them at times. I can remember even when I was young just being in awe of their presence. I envied them, and I often wished I could be as big as they were.
In a way, it felt like I had a touch of anorexia, but in reverse. Most people usually think that they’re too fat. I was the exact opposite. I didn’t think I was fat enough. Attaining certain larger sizes myself very much appealed to me. It was empowering to me. I liked the idea that I could command respect by virtue of attaining certain larger sizes and taking up so much space, knowing other people couldn’t easily push me around. In my mind, I equated size with power. The bigger I was, the more powerful I felt. It boosted my confidence that way.
Becoming happy and confident in a fat body does not come easy for anyone, but it is absolutely worth it, because we are all worth it. Not everyone has gotten as far as I have in that regard. Some of us are still struggling to realize certain truths that other people have discovered for themselves, and that’s okay. Everybody’s journey of self-discovery is different, and each of us gets where we want to be in the end at our own pace.
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