Marco is back on the blog today sharing more of his story.
“THE BALANCING ACT OF THE OUTGOING INTROVERT”
I’m almost afraid to let on to other people as to the extent of what I know. I find I have this aura of mystique about me at times because of it. Some people don’t have me all figured out yet, like I’m a sort of conundrum that they aren’t able to solve, and I’m okay with that.
I will freely admit that I can be hard for other people to read sometimes, because I tend to keep my cards close to my vest so I don’t inadvertently tip my hand without meaning to. Yet at the same time, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t always have a good “poker face.” On the surface, I’m warm and bubbly and open and inviting. I enjoy engaging with other people because I know I can carry my end of a conversation with them. I am a wordsmith, after all. Despite any other way my confidence suffers, I know I can still talk.
I consider myself an outgoing introvert. I have an outgoing personality and an anxious mind. I enjoy spending time alone. It relaxes me. But there’s also a part of me that enjoys being around other people from time to time. It’s not so much the people that makes me want to be around them, it’s more the idea of feeling connected with the rest of the world around me. Although, there have been times where I’ve had to ask myself if the idea of feeling connected is all just an illusion. I can be the kind of guy who feels lonely even in a crowded room, like I’m a stranger in an all too familiar place.
Outgoing introverts can also be considered “popular loners.” In my case, I know a lot of people, and a lot of people know me. I’ve made plenty of acquaintances, and I get along well with most of them. Yet, I can count on one hand the number of true friends I’ve made in my life. I’ll admit, I’ve become a “quality over quantity” person in that regard. I will gladly take four quarters over 100 pennies any day. I would love to be able to spend more time with other people sometimes and maybe even get to know them better. I just worry that I would feel too much like the “odd man out” in those situations.
It’s not much fun being alone with my own thoughts sometimes, feeling like no one understands me, like no one can relate to me. I can never seem to get out of my own head nearly as often as I would like. I have no peripheral vision sometimes because of it. I usually need one other person to get me outside of my own head long enough to see things from another perspective. I hate doubting myself. I hate second-guessing myself. It’s almost like I’m afraid to be wrong about anything.
My mind does not ever shut off. It’s always keeping me busy. It’s always thinking of stuff, asking questions, pondering “what ifs.” It gives me a sort of nervous energy that way, and I get antsy. I put way too much thought into things. I internalize everything. I overthink things. I overanalyze things. That’s just how my mind works. I realize I can annoy people at times with all that goes on in my head. Sometimes, I wish I could process things with a normal brain and not put so much thought into everything. But then it wouldn’t be my mind doing my thinking, and my thoughts wouldn’t be the same.
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