PREFACE: This is the first in a series of posts I made online recently as I’ve been contemplating my current situation in life while addressing larger systemic / societal issues that are likely major barriers to many other people with disabilities in similar positions. I get more accomplished when I can talk things out and “think out loud” with someone, but when another person isn’t readily available, sometimes I will go online and give my thoughts and frustrations a voice. I don’t really need anyone to feel sorry for me, but I hope others who read this can relate to what I’m saying.
I don’t know if I’ve ever really been anyone’s “type.” I’m not rich by any means. I’m not very athletic. I don’t live at the gym. I don’t believe in punching down or hitting below the belt for cheap laughs. I don’t get my jollies from picking on people who aren’t able to defend themselves or who may not realize right away that they’re being picked on. I’ve never really needed drugs or alcohol in my life to be happy or to have a good time. But I do like to make people laugh and entertain them. I like music and performing and having an audience. I can be attentive and observant and notice little things about people, like jewelry or painted nails. I care a lot about other people, especially ones who aren’t so well off in life because I know I’m not too far away from being in their position myself. I like to bond with people over a good meal. I don’t have very many vices in life other than food. Talking to me is never boring, and I try to be a supportive friend.
Yet an engaging conversation seems to be as far as it goes these days. Being a supportive friend hasn’t gotten me very many dates. Not everyone I’ve been interested in has felt the same way about me, and it’s something I’ve had to learn to be okay with. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating, because let’s face it, rejection hurts. I’ve been turned down so many times and passed over for some strange men over the years for all sorts of weird reasons. I never understood it. What did they even see in these guys to begin with? I feel like my prime dating years have passed me by because I spent so many of them riding the pine or stuck in one-sided dynamics where I felt like I was the only one putting in any of the work into keeping things going. It would be nice if I could find someone I could reasonably see myself sharing my life with someday, someone I’m not already related to who seems to be on top of things and have it all together for the most part, someone who loves me for me and all I have to offer, and not because they think they can get something out of me without them having to work for it. Someone must want me in ways that I want to be wanted.
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